Everyone says "just be yourself" like it's simple. But when "yourself" includes forgetting where you parked, interrupting constantly, and hyperfixating on whether your date's story about their college roommate is a red flag—being yourself gets complicated.

Let me tell you about the time I took this advice literally.

The Unfiltered Date Disaster

I was meeting someone for coffee—let's call him Mark. Mark seemed nice enough from his profile: finance guy, into hiking, claimed to love "meaningful conversations." Perfect.

I decided to follow everyone's advice and "just be myself."

Which meant:

  • Showing up 10 minutes late because I got distracted by a street performer
  • Ordering an elaborate coffee drink, then changing my mind halfway through ordering
  • Interrupting him three times in the first five minutes because I had "really important" observations
  • Going down a 10-minute tangent about why Spotify's algorithm is both genius and concerning
  • Pulling out my phone mid-conversation to Google something he mentioned because I NEEDED to know right that second

You know what happened? There was no second date.

And you know what? That's completely fair.

The Problem With "Just Be Yourself"

"Just be yourself" is advice created by and for neurotypical people who naturally regulate their behavior in social situations. For those of us with ADHD, "being ourselves" without any filter or awareness looks like:

  • Talking for 20 minutes straight about something we're hyperfixated on
  • Forgetting the person's name three seconds after they said it
  • Zoning out mid-story and having no idea what they just said
  • Saying whatever pops into our heads without the neurotypical "is this appropriate?" filter
  • Getting overwhelmed by restaurant noise and needing to leave

None of these things make us bad people. But they can make us exhausting first dates.

What We Actually Need Instead

Here's what helped me: "Be your best-regulated self."

This doesn't mean pretending to be someone else. It means showing up as the version of you that's:

  • Fed and rested: Low blood sugar + lack of sleep = disaster
  • Medicated (if applicable): Not the time to skip your meds
  • In a suitable environment: Loud bars are ADHD kryptonite
  • Aware of your patterns: Know you interrupt? Actively work on it
  • Using your strategies: Whatever helps you focus—use it

It's the difference between "raw, unfiltered Barbara who hasn't eaten and is on her third coffee" versus "Barbara who had lunch, took her meds, and is genuinely trying to listen."

Both are me. But one is significantly better equipped for a first date.

The ADHD Advantage (Yes, Really)

Here's the plot twist: once I stopped showing up as "unregulated chaos Barbara" and started showing up as "best version Barbara," my ADHD traits became advantages.

Because when I'm regulated, my ADHD brain offers:

  • Hyperfocus = deep listening: When I'm present, I'm REALLY present
  • Pattern recognition = bullshit detection: I notice inconsistencies others miss
  • Creativity = interesting conversation: We never run out of things to talk about
  • Enthusiasm = contagious energy: When I'm excited, it's genuine
  • Honesty = no games: I'm direct, which people appreciate

The right person doesn't just tolerate these traits—they actually like them.

The Real Advice

So here's what I wish someone had told me instead of "just be yourself":

"Be yourself, but be your most regulated, self-aware, trying-your-best self. And then find someone who appreciates that version—ADHD traits and all."

Because the goal isn't to hide who you are. It's to show up as the version of yourself that can actually connect with another person, rather than accidentally overwhelming them.

And for those who still think you're "too much" even at your regulated best?

Fuck 'em.

Your Turn

What's your "just be yourself" disaster story? Have you found strategies that help you show up as your best self on dates? I'd love to hear about it.

Drop a comment on social media (links below) or send me a message. We're all figuring this out together.